My Life on Earth

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

What do I do with all these thoughts?

Little Man and I are back from UAB, for a while anyway. He has to go back in two months, but at least we have a break for a while. Today, the neurosurgeon asked, "So, what was the symptoms that brought you here again?" I said the sensation of bugs crawling on him. His response, "Oh Yeah, this will be filed under wierd or obsecure symptoms." The doctor, for the life of him can't seem to figure out how we got to him. We should never have gotten there, Little Man had no symptoms of a tethered spinal cord. I so tried to explain how God brought us there, but of course, he did not want to hear that. I am having a hard time dealing with such a thought process. How can you not see God?

To top everything off, I have been on a downward emotional rollercoaster since Little Man's surgery. It is almost like, God gave me all the strength I needed to get through this last year, and now I don't need the strength anymore, and I am falling apart at the seams. I look at Little Man and the tears start, I think about what God saved him from and the tears start, I think about a little boy with scoliosis, who had surgery the same morning as Little Man and the tears start, I think about what a blessing it was to have just a tethered spinal cord when there were so many children at the Children's Hospital that have much more serious conditions and the tears start, then today Little Man said the bugs aren't gone. Wow, what do I do with that? I believed with all my heart, and soul, that God was going to take those away after the surgery. Faith of a mustard seed, I had/have it, so why did he say the bugs are back.

I think about the mirad of questions that Little Man has asked over the last couple of days, and wonder, where do these thoughts come from. He has asked such questions as, when do you die, how big is God, what do you have to believe in Jesus, how do you get to live in heaven with God. My answer to when do you die was "usually when you are old", to how big is God was "so big we can't even begin to imagine or explain", to what do you have to believe in Jesus was "that Jesus came to earth and died for your sins", so on and so forth. Then today while we were eating lunch at Little Man's favorite place, you guessed it, McDonald's Little Man says, "I believe, I really believe in Jesus." The tears were back again. He is four, what do you do with that, especially when you are on a rollercoaster. Satan wants to use it, God wants to use it. I guess Little Man has decided four is old because he said he would die when he was four. Just thought that funny.

The thoughts are crazy, confusing, overwhelming, depressing, amazing, grateful, and too much. I need many prayers. This blog has become my journal, the place I get my thought out, my struggles, my fears, my life.

What do I do with all these thoughts?

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