Okay, so back to my brokenness. I was no longer confused about what God did, or why for that matter. But I was confused about why I told anyone, I'm not now, because I see now how God used it to grow me more into the image of Christ. Example: Did I handle the situation (trials and tribulations) the way I should have, NO. I failed God horribly, but the good news is, He knew I would, He has forgiven me, and has grown me. You ask, where/how did you fail God? Well, God showed me that I did not love those throwing stones the way I am called to love them. God showed me that I was sitting in the judgement seat, Ouch, not looking forward to being judged by God, but I will be. These are the areas where God showed me I failed. God lead me to send a letter of apology and explanations of where I failed.
So you ask, why are you so broken, if you not longer doubt, are confused, and understand why you went through it. Well, James 3:6 says, "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." Verse 8-10, "...It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." I urge you to read all of James chapter 3, but my understanding is that words destroy. Here I believe it is talking about the church body, but I believe it to be just as relevant to individuals in situations that God allows. That is where my brokenness is at. I was called a "liar, gossip, and prideful." It is very difficult to get those words out of your mind. I have to think on what is true, noble, praiseworth, etc (Philippians 4). Words destroy. God is rebuilding my heart slowly, one piece at a time, showing me my failures. At this very moment, I can think of one thing I said, that probably caused some destruction as well. I have had to ask God for forgiveness of that as well. There may be more as well, I don't know. I don't claim to know, and I sure don't claim to know where God has shown others where they failed. I have had to ask for lots of forgiveness, for mistakes I made.
The Hubby and I, with God's direction of course, has lead us to a new church where the Spirit is alive and very active. We praise God for that, but it is hard. We were so comfortable with our church family, which was our family since we are transplants and have no local family. The hubby told me Sunday, as we were discussing my brokenness and my healing and the difficulty in entering a new church that I should be praising God that I am even still going to church. The hubby said, many people that go through issues within the church many times, just leave the church altogether never to return. He is right.
So I prayed that I would come out unscathed. I didn't, but I know I am stronger for it all. I ask that you all pray for me and my brokeness. That God continue to grow me past it. Showing me my failures and where I was in His image.