So back to my brokenness. Being confused after God laying me on that church floor, I prayed much and often for God to show me, to speak to me, to give me scripture. For everything to be from Him and only Him. I wanted to understand. Through some scripture, from the Book of Acts and Pentecost, I began to understand that it was God that laid a hand on me that night. I fought God tooth and nail on everything in my life.
Example: I thought I was saved at a young age. I could not tell you my age, I just remember walking the isle, answering "I Do" to a few questions and that was it. No praye, no repentance, no nothing. So for all those years, Satan had me where he wanted me, God didn't, but I thought He did. So as God would gently nudge me, I would think that Satan was trying to make me doubt, but I was really fighting God. Finally, it got to the point that I could not drop it, so as I was going to bed one night, two years ago, I prayed "Okay, God if I am not yours, wake me in the middle of the night." Well, along rolls 2 something in the morning, if I remember correctly, and Kid-O, the child that sleeps like the dead, literally, comes into our room, to my side of the bed, and wakes me saying, (I will never forget these words)"Mommy, this light came on and I can't turn it off." Well, that light, was a blinking Magnetix light, the kind you have to twist to turn on and off. How did it get turned on in the middle of the night, and then wake the one child that never wakes. I immediately got on my knees, after a potty break, and began to repent. I saw ALL my sins on that cross. My SINS put Christ there. My SINS speared Him in the side. At that point, I prayed, I repented, and I believed. It took God about 18 years to get me to stop fighting Him.
So that night, on the church floor, God was telling me, you will not fight me any more. So, I don't fight God much any more. Example: God told me to lay hands on a young women who had been unable to get pregnant for about two years, I think. Anyway, I fought God. I will not do this, you can't ask me to do this. I even talk to my pastor about it. After about two weeks, of God talking to me, telling me you will do this, I finally called this young women, that I had only met about two months prior to this, and told her what I believed God was telling me to do. She accepted what I was telling her and I immediately went to her house. I laid hands on her and prayed for her womb to be opened. After that, there was a peace in me. Four months later, she and her husband came over to tell us they were having a baby. They had just found out. So needless to say, I don't fight God as much as I used too. I am not perfect by any means, so please don't think that is what I am saying. I am just learning to listen and obey.
In the midst of all of this, that same dear, sweet wonderful friend, knowing my confusing, urged me to talk to someone about what had happened to me. So I did. Which is one of the best decisions I have ever made, even though it ultimately led to my brokenness, ill-spoken words on my part as well as others, and us leaving the church that God drew us to six and an half years ago, I am a stronger Christian for it. I finally got up the nerve to speak to my minister. I could tell when I spoke to him that he doubted what I was saying. Which is fine, we are all entitled to our beliefs. Anyway, through that doubt, my confusion came back. Which yet again, God used. I prayed more, and more, about it, asking God for some scripture to support what He had done in my life. And God being God, Faithful, He gave me Daniel Chapter 10. Daniel Chapter 10 (I'd link you but that was before I started blogging) was exactly what I needed at the time. I no longer doubted what God did, nor will I ever. I had never read the Book of Daniel, so to read chapter 10 was my answer from God. The hubby and I still don't truly understand what the real problem was or is, we just know if was a problem.
I am going to stop now and try to finish this in one more post. We'll see.