My Life on Earth

Friday, August 21, 2009

So Broken...

So this past weekend was a wonderful one. The hubby and I started our meetings for the upcoming fall Walks to Emmaus. At these meetings, you find yourself examining yourself. You can't serve others if you are not in the right spot with God. Anyway, Saturday sitting in the meeting, God was speaking to me, so clearly about how broken I am. I didn't not realize how broken until Saturday and then again on Sunday when the pastor preached on Dave and Nathan.

So here is part of my testimony taken straight from my journal, written 9-29-07, the middle of the night. I will not explain everything in this one post. It would be too long; however, I will explain and write all of it, to completely explain why I am so broken.

Sometime in the middle of the night, 9-29-07:

"Wow, what a night. First I knew about candlelight, but I did not know what would happen or what to expect. I knew Mom and dad would be here. I had no clue that Chris would come. I know I hoped he would but I did not expect it because of the kids.When I saw him that was a blessing. I began to cry as if I had not seen him in weeks. Just making eye contact with him and taking that rose from him was more than I could handle or imagine. It was almost like I was seeing him differently and he was seeing me differently. Then just knowing all those people came just for us to know they were praying for us. Wow! what an amazing experience. Then after everyone left we had our time of release again if we wanted too. Well last night I thought I laid it all down but I did not. This morning when we went back in for communion, they asked us to place a piece of bread in the basket as we lay the things down that we don't want to carry anymore. I felt led to place a piece in for each burden I was carrying and wanted to let go of. I did and my load was so much lighter. So tonight I had nothing else to lay down, but I was still crying uncontrollably. Pastor Phil asked why? I told him I was tired of being that verse in II Timothy where you are always studying but never coming to the truth of the knowledge. He asked if I had ever asked God to give me the full power of the Holy Spirit. I said, "no". I don't know what that means or what to think of that either. He placed his hands on me and began to pray over me. Me head began to feel light, my arms were beginning to go limp. I was aware of everything because I was trying to keep control I wanted to make sure they weren't doing anything to me. He wasn't other than praying over me. As all went limp, I just laid back on the floor, still aware of what was going on telling myself this was not real, but I did not do anything, they did nothing to me. I can not explain it. It is scary and surreal. I am scared to tell Chris. What if that was the one thing he did not agree with. What if he thinks Iam stupid and lost my mind. I still don't know what to think about that experience. I know in my heart if it was a true God give experience that He well grow it. If it was not from my Father I ask that you remove I from me. I only want to be honorable to you, no one else, and no one thing. Whether what I experienced tonight was real or not I know that I have freedom from the craziness that was in my mind before laying all that crap out on the cross. I am changed for the better. I just pray Father that I don't leave with more questions than I came with. I am trusting you to remove from me the verse in II timothy. I am trusting you to give me that teachable heart, the one that desires to know you, see you, talk to you , and hear you."

9-30-07 (morning)
"I am scared Father,I don't understand what happened and why. I know I am scared and I need and want to talk to my husband, to get his idea. I am afraid he will find the experience quite crazy and think I'm weird. I don't even come close to understanding so how do I explain it to anyone else."

9-30-07 (later that morning)
"Father, I think you for sending me to the chapel during breakfast this morning. I knew I needed some answers. I thank you for putting Randy where I could see him. Someone my father trusts. I talked to him and told him what happened and how I felt. He helped to explain, but left to get Donald. Pastor Donald gave me some scripture to back up what had happened because I don't want to do anything to displease you. Then you sent Cathy in. She told me how after you had filled here with the Spirit the Word just came alive. Well that is what I was asking for. I believe that your Words will jump off the page and become alive to me."

So these are words from my journal. Here is the filler information. The night that I hit the floor. I was at the alter, fighting God. I was telling Him, he was not going to make me hit the floor. I was not going to fall. Needless to say, God won, I lost. He laid me on that floor. My dear wonderful friend came over to me and asked me if was okay. I said yes. I wanted to get up, but I couldn't. All I could do was roll my head one way or the other, and tell my friend I was okay. I was laying there, still fighting God, telling him I was going to get up and He was telling me no. Holding me there until I had given up all fight that I had in me. Later that evening when I went to the restroom, I looked in mirror and I glowing, or so pale that I was glowing. I knew I was looking at myself, but there was no definition to my face. That Randy that I saw the next morning, that I knew I could trust because my dad knew him and had worked with him for many years. Well, it was the wrong Randy, God knew I needed someone, so He lined everything up for me to be able to talk to some one, some one I knew I could trust. My father thank Randy for talking to me later that week at a meeting. That's how we figured out it was not the same Randy. Then the hubby, believed every word and understood every word I was telling him. God had spoken to him, but he was not able to tell me until I came home from my walk. So He experienced the power and realness of God as well, just in a different way.

Okay. I think that is enough for now. I could type forever, but I know you all have more important things to do than read this. I will finish in one or two more posts. (This post will explain many posts from a year ago or so.)

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