Broken...Part 3

Okay, so back to my brokenness. I was no longer confused about what God did, or why for that matter. But I was confused about why I told anyone, I'm not now, because I see now how God used it to grow me more into the image of Christ. Example: Did I handle the situation (trials and tribulations) the way I should have, NO. I failed God horribly, but the good news is, He knew I would, He has forgiven me, and has grown me. You ask, where/how did you fail God? Well, God showed me that I did not love those throwing stones the way I am called to love them. God showed me that I was sitting in the judgement seat, Ouch, not looking forward to being judged by God, but I will be. These are the areas where God showed me I failed. God lead me to send a letter of apology and explanations of where I failed.

So you ask, why are you so broken, if you not longer doubt, are confused, and understand why you went through it. Well, James 3:6 says, "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." Verse 8-10, "...It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." I urge you to read all of James chapter 3, but my understanding is that words destroy. Here I believe it is talking about the church body, but I believe it to be just as relevant to individuals in situations that God allows. That is where my brokenness is at. I was called a "liar, gossip, and prideful." It is very difficult to get those words out of your mind. I have to think on what is true, noble, praiseworth, etc (Philippians 4). Words destroy. God is rebuilding my heart slowly, one piece at a time, showing me my failures. At this very moment, I can think of one thing I said, that probably caused some destruction as well. I have had to ask God for forgiveness of that as well. There may be more as well, I don't know. I don't claim to know, and I sure don't claim to know where God has shown others where they failed. I have had to ask for lots of forgiveness, for mistakes I made.

The Hubby and I, with God's direction of course, has lead us to a new church where the Spirit is alive and very active. We praise God for that, but it is hard. We were so comfortable with our church family, which was our family since we are transplants and have no local family. The hubby told me Sunday, as we were discussing my brokenness and my healing and the difficulty in entering a new church that I should be praising God that I am even still going to church. The hubby said, many people that go through issues within the church many times, just leave the church altogether never to return. He is right.

So I prayed that I would come out unscathed. I didn't, but I know I am stronger for it all. I ask that you all pray for me and my brokeness. That God continue to grow me past it. Showing me my failures and where I was in His image.

Broken...Part 2

So back to my brokenness. Being confused after God laying me on that church floor, I prayed much and often for God to show me, to speak to me, to give me scripture. For everything to be from Him and only Him. I wanted to understand. Through some scripture, from the Book of Acts and Pentecost, I began to understand that it was God that laid a hand on me that night. I fought God tooth and nail on everything in my life.

Example: I thought I was saved at a young age. I could not tell you my age, I just remember walking the isle, answering "I Do" to a few questions and that was it. No praye, no repentance, no nothing. So for all those years, Satan had me where he wanted me, God didn't, but I thought He did. So as God would gently nudge me, I would think that Satan was trying to make me doubt, but I was really fighting God. Finally, it got to the point that I could not drop it, so as I was going to bed one night, two years ago, I prayed "Okay, God if I am not yours, wake me in the middle of the night." Well, along rolls 2 something in the morning, if I remember correctly, and Kid-O, the child that sleeps like the dead, literally, comes into our room, to my side of the bed, and wakes me saying, (I will never forget these words)"Mommy, this light came on and I can't turn it off." Well, that light, was a blinking Magnetix light, the kind you have to twist to turn on and off. How did it get turned on in the middle of the night, and then wake the one child that never wakes. I immediately got on my knees, after a potty break, and began to repent. I saw ALL my sins on that cross. My SINS put Christ there. My SINS speared Him in the side. At that point, I prayed, I repented, and I believed. It took God about 18 years to get me to stop fighting Him.

So that night, on the church floor, God was telling me, you will not fight me any more. So, I don't fight God much any more. Example: God told me to lay hands on a young women who had been unable to get pregnant for about two years, I think. Anyway, I fought God. I will not do this, you can't ask me to do this. I even talk to my pastor about it. After about two weeks, of God talking to me, telling me you will do this, I finally called this young women, that I had only met about two months prior to this, and told her what I believed God was telling me to do. She accepted what I was telling her and I immediately went to her house. I laid hands on her and prayed for her womb to be opened. After that, there was a peace in me. Four months later, she and her husband came over to tell us they were having a baby. They had just found out. So needless to say, I don't fight God as much as I used too. I am not perfect by any means, so please don't think that is what I am saying. I am just learning to listen and obey.

In the midst of all of this, that same dear, sweet wonderful friend, knowing my confusing, urged me to talk to someone about what had happened to me. So I did. Which is one of the best decisions I have ever made, even though it ultimately led to my brokenness, ill-spoken words on my part as well as others, and us leaving the church that God drew us to six and an half years ago, I am a stronger Christian for it. I finally got up the nerve to speak to my minister. I could tell when I spoke to him that he doubted what I was saying. Which is fine, we are all entitled to our beliefs. Anyway, through that doubt, my confusion came back. Which yet again, God used. I prayed more, and more, about it, asking God for some scripture to support what He had done in my life. And God being God, Faithful, He gave me Daniel Chapter 10. Daniel Chapter 10 (I'd link you but that was before I started blogging) was exactly what I needed at the time. I no longer doubted what God did, nor will I ever. I had never read the Book of Daniel, so to read chapter 10 was my answer from God. The hubby and I still don't truly understand what the real problem was or is, we just know if was a problem.

I am going to stop now and try to finish this in one more post. We'll see.

So Broken...

So this past weekend was a wonderful one. The hubby and I started our meetings for the upcoming fall Walks to Emmaus. At these meetings, you find yourself examining yourself. You can't serve others if you are not in the right spot with God. Anyway, Saturday sitting in the meeting, God was speaking to me, so clearly about how broken I am. I didn't not realize how broken until Saturday and then again on Sunday when the pastor preached on Dave and Nathan.

So here is part of my testimony taken straight from my journal, written 9-29-07, the middle of the night. I will not explain everything in this one post. It would be too long; however, I will explain and write all of it, to completely explain why I am so broken.

Sometime in the middle of the night, 9-29-07:

"Wow, what a night. First I knew about candlelight, but I did not know what would happen or what to expect. I knew Mom and dad would be here. I had no clue that Chris would come. I know I hoped he would but I did not expect it because of the kids.When I saw him that was a blessing. I began to cry as if I had not seen him in weeks. Just making eye contact with him and taking that rose from him was more than I could handle or imagine. It was almost like I was seeing him differently and he was seeing me differently. Then just knowing all those people came just for us to know they were praying for us. Wow! what an amazing experience. Then after everyone left we had our time of release again if we wanted too. Well last night I thought I laid it all down but I did not. This morning when we went back in for communion, they asked us to place a piece of bread in the basket as we lay the things down that we don't want to carry anymore. I felt led to place a piece in for each burden I was carrying and wanted to let go of. I did and my load was so much lighter. So tonight I had nothing else to lay down, but I was still crying uncontrollably. Pastor Phil asked why? I told him I was tired of being that verse in II Timothy where you are always studying but never coming to the truth of the knowledge. He asked if I had ever asked God to give me the full power of the Holy Spirit. I said, "no". I don't know what that means or what to think of that either. He placed his hands on me and began to pray over me. Me head began to feel light, my arms were beginning to go limp. I was aware of everything because I was trying to keep control I wanted to make sure they weren't doing anything to me. He wasn't other than praying over me. As all went limp, I just laid back on the floor, still aware of what was going on telling myself this was not real, but I did not do anything, they did nothing to me. I can not explain it. It is scary and surreal. I am scared to tell Chris. What if that was the one thing he did not agree with. What if he thinks Iam stupid and lost my mind. I still don't know what to think about that experience. I know in my heart if it was a true God give experience that He well grow it. If it was not from my Father I ask that you remove I from me. I only want to be honorable to you, no one else, and no one thing. Whether what I experienced tonight was real or not I know that I have freedom from the craziness that was in my mind before laying all that crap out on the cross. I am changed for the better. I just pray Father that I don't leave with more questions than I came with. I am trusting you to remove from me the verse in II timothy. I am trusting you to give me that teachable heart, the one that desires to know you, see you, talk to you , and hear you."

9-30-07 (morning)
"I am scared Father,I don't understand what happened and why. I know I am scared and I need and want to talk to my husband, to get his idea. I am afraid he will find the experience quite crazy and think I'm weird. I don't even come close to understanding so how do I explain it to anyone else."

9-30-07 (later that morning)
"Father, I think you for sending me to the chapel during breakfast this morning. I knew I needed some answers. I thank you for putting Randy where I could see him. Someone my father trusts. I talked to him and told him what happened and how I felt. He helped to explain, but left to get Donald. Pastor Donald gave me some scripture to back up what had happened because I don't want to do anything to displease you. Then you sent Cathy in. She told me how after you had filled here with the Spirit the Word just came alive. Well that is what I was asking for. I believe that your Words will jump off the page and become alive to me."

So these are words from my journal. Here is the filler information. The night that I hit the floor. I was at the alter, fighting God. I was telling Him, he was not going to make me hit the floor. I was not going to fall. Needless to say, God won, I lost. He laid me on that floor. My dear wonderful friend came over to me and asked me if was okay. I said yes. I wanted to get up, but I couldn't. All I could do was roll my head one way or the other, and tell my friend I was okay. I was laying there, still fighting God, telling him I was going to get up and He was telling me no. Holding me there until I had given up all fight that I had in me. Later that evening when I went to the restroom, I looked in mirror and I glowing, or so pale that I was glowing. I knew I was looking at myself, but there was no definition to my face. That Randy that I saw the next morning, that I knew I could trust because my dad knew him and had worked with him for many years. Well, it was the wrong Randy, God knew I needed someone, so He lined everything up for me to be able to talk to some one, some one I knew I could trust. My father thank Randy for talking to me later that week at a meeting. That's how we figured out it was not the same Randy. Then the hubby, believed every word and understood every word I was telling him. God had spoken to him, but he was not able to tell me until I came home from my walk. So He experienced the power and realness of God as well, just in a different way.

Okay. I think that is enough for now. I could type forever, but I know you all have more important things to do than read this. I will finish in one or two more posts. (This post will explain many posts from a year ago or so.)

Update...

Rock Guys' insurance company is paying to fix my van, and providing us with a rental. They said they may not be insuring this guy much longer. Too much of a liablity.

Thought you might like to know how that turned out.

Coupon Saving

Yes, I am still couponing and saving lots at the grocery store. Today, I got around to doing my totals for July and then my four month total. So here are the results.

July 2009
Total Before Savings $970.84
Total Coupons $233.29
Total Advertised Savings $246.06
Total out of pocket $548.56
Inside my budget by $51.44. Plus some of that money (about $50) was spent on Christmas gifts.

Four Month Total
Total Before Savings $4158.26
Total Coupons $990.82
Total Advertised Savings $1007.96
Total out of pocket $2216.55
Inside four month budget by $483.45 which is a huge accomplishment being that I was actually spendig the amount before savings which is $1458.26 over budget. Wow. So for me, I really have saved $1458.26.

The Final Vacation Post

One of the days that we spent with our college friends, we took the kids to a play water park and play ground. They had a ball there, and it was a hot one, so it was really nice to for them to play in the water.

I thought these pictures were pretty self explanatory. What do you think?

Columbia Zoo

We went to Columbia the day before Skippy's appointment to visit the college, so that we could take all the kids to the zoo. I have to say the Columbia zoo is very nice. Here are a few of the pictures.

Skippy and Mini-Me on the Carousel.

Kid-O feeding the birds. By the way, I am scared to death of birds. I have this irrational fear they are going to pluck my eyes out. I know silly, but go figure, me silly.

The sleeping Grizzly.

The kids rugrats. If they look wet, it's because they are. We got rained on at the zoo. We were very wet by the end of the day. That is the great thing about the zoo though, if it rains, they are still open and the animals are still there.

The pretty elephant. Look at those ears.

Most Exciting Part of Vacation...

Okay, so traveling down I-85 heading home on the Sunday after a week of vacationing,
the most exciting part of the trip occurred. Imagine this...

Traveling I-85 at 78 miles per hour in the right hand lane coming up on an eighteen wheeler. So the hubby moves over to the left lane to pass this truck. While passing this truck, a vehicle comes flying up behind us. The hubby taps the brakes to say, "Hey, I'm here don't hit me." Finishes passing the truck and immediately moves over to the right lane. The individual in the vehicle behind us, comes us to the side of our van and proceeds to throw rocks at us. He speeds up to 85 or better, I call 911 while the hubby speeds up so we can get the information off of the car, make, model, tag, color, etc. We go back to the location and file a police report. Now dealing with other driver's insurance to get my van fixed.

Yes, this is a real story, not made up and no joke. No, the damage is not bad, just several nicks out of the paint. Praise God no windows were broken. We had all our kids with us and one of our big kids. What type of person drives around with rocks in their cars to throw at people?

Okay, maybe not the most exciting, but definitely the most CRAZY...

Myrtle Beach...

We decided since we were in North and South Carolina and only a couple hours from the beach it was silly not to go. I am not much of a beach person, a few hours and I'm good. Skippy last visit to the beach was about five years ago she thought. Kid-O went back in June with Mamaw and Papaw, and Little Man's last trip was at the age of 20 months.

Here are a few pictures from our morning at Myrtle Beach. This picture is of Mini-Me. This was his first trip to the beach. Well, let me rephrase that. His first trip to the beach was three years ago, when his gestational age was about 5 to 6 months. He had fun, but did not like the taste of the water. Imagine that.

Uhh, Little Man playing in the sand and shells. Little Man has quite a fear of water, so he did not go in unless daddy or Skippy had him.

Mini-Me loves water, so he went out as far as daddy would take him. Of course, this Mommy was scared to death, but that's okay, Mini-Me loved it.

Kid-O loves the water and the beach. I think she would live there if we would let her.

Skippy and Little Man having fun in the water.

The Third reason for our Road Trip

Well, we decided if we were going to travel all he way to South Carolina for Mark and Skippy, we should just go on up to North Carolina and visit some old college friends. So that we did. We have seen Tim and Darcy, maybe three or four times since we left Mississippi 6 and 1/2 years ago. Tim's family live in this state, so they will swing by when the come visit family. So that was the third and final reason for the road trip. We spent a lot of time on the road, but we loved all of it but the last day. You will have to come back tomorrow for that story.

Second Reason for our Road Trip

Here is reason number two. No, not Little Man, but Skippy. Remember our grown up kids, this is one of them. Anyway, Skippy will be a senior this year and wants to go to college, Christian colleges (YEAH). Anyway, the boys and I took her to a couple back in June. There was one left that she wanted to look at, Columbia International, in Columbia South Carolina. So we figured since we were making the trip anyway, if she wanted to go she could go with us on our journey. (A whole week with Mr. C, and the three kids.) She's a brave soul.

Anyway, she loved the college. I liked it a lot, and it looks like we are going back in December for scholarship weekend. Skippy was a trooper on the road all week with our crazy family, spending two days with my newly released from prison cousin, and some friends from college. I have to say though. It was great fun having her along for the ride. She even talked the Hubby into the alphabet game. I don't think I have ever even been able to do that. You know, he's an engineer, their pretty serious people.

YEAH

YEAH, the FIRST day back at SCHOOL for Kid-O. Third grade her she comes.

Karios on the Inside

One of the several reasons we were on a week long trip around North and South Carolina was for my cousin Mark. I have not seen my cousin in 7 years. Mark is 2 years younger than me, I believe and has daughter two weeks younger than Kid-O.

Anyway, seven years ago, he made a horrible mistake. He helped a guy rob someone, put them in the car and relocated him to another location (ie. kidnapping). Of course this is the very short version of the story.

Within the first year in Kershaw, maxi mun level prison in South Carolina. My cousin was blessed with the opportunity to go through Kairos on the Inside, which is the Walk to Emmaus for prisoners. What a blessing that was in his life. I pray that God using his testimony over, and over again. Anyway, during that time in prison, he says, "God has really blessed me. Not a hair on my head was ever hurt. I was shown favor by the guards and prisoners alike." He has stayed in God's word for all these years, daily. I pray that God leads him to continue down that path and that God's keeps temptation from him. Mark told me, "I can only do this with God's strength." Praise God that he knows that now. I just ask that you all pray for him. This is going to be a difficult time in his life. Right now he is on 90 house arrest. He can not step out of the door of the house.

May God bless Tim and his wife, who have listen to God's call on their lives. Tim was Mark's table leader 6 years ago on Kairos and his wife worked the kitchen. Thank you and all glory be to God. Tim has continued to stay in touch with Mark over the years. The hubby and I believed as Christians we are to support those who need the support, whether they are family or not. I asked for extra special prayers for my cousin.

Emmaus Update...

Back in March, I believe, I believed God was telling me it was time for a dear friend to go on her Walk to Emmaus. I called her, talked to her about it, asked he to pray and see what God's leading for her was.

A few days later, I received her application in the mail. So the weekend of July 16 through July 19, she was on her walk. It is all her experience to tell, but I know the blessing from the hubby and I's end were amazing. God gets all the praise and glory for what He did in her life. What he taught her, showed her about herself, and the moving of the Holy Spirit.

It was an amazing weekend for her, the hubby and myself. I want to thank everyone that prayed for her over those three days.

Update...

So, it has been a shocking 20 days since my last post. Hard to believe. I used to have so much time on my hands I did not know what to do with myself. But now I am perfectly busy. I like it to a degree and to a degree I don't.

First off, I started transcribing for an insurance company, oh about five or six weeks ago. I enjoy listening to the audio files and typing them. I get to work on my schedule, basically when I want. They require 12 hours per week, but I think I am actually working about 20 hours per week. I don't know for sure, because they pay by the page.

Secondly, No, I don't need the job. The hubby and I are doing great. God always provides everything we need. However, the hubby mentioned that he wants to take the kids on a ski trip, hopefully the winter of 2010-2011. Well, I figure that will be about a $4000 trip and we like to pay cash, so we thought this would be an excellent way to save the money, without dipping into everything else.

Thirdly, we were on a week long adventure around North Carolina and South Carolina all last week, so I was not around.

All that being said, should explain the lack of time, but enjoying the lack of time. No complaints from me. I find that now instead of wasting 3 or 4 hours a day online, I spend that same amount of time, making money for a great family vacation. So I am going to dedicate the remainder of the day, before the hubby gets home, to speed blogging and posting as many post as I can.

I love you guys, and thanks for checking in on me. I really appreciate it.